As most of my friends know, I think a lot, but mostly to myself. I have never been real good at expressing myself to others. Usually when I try to express myself, people get the wrong impression of me. Most people think of me as a harsh person, but I am just a honest person. If you don't want to know the truth then don't ask me. I have learned that it is better to be a honest person than to lie all the time. I lived a lie for a long time and couldn't take it anymore.
I was married right out of high school to my high school sweetheart. We were together for 4 years before we got married, so we figured that it was meant to be. Little did we know, we were too young to make the decision and we were not meant to last. Me and my ex-husband, Kevin, moved to El Paso Texas in the middle of June because he was in the Army and that is where he was stationed. That place was awful. I have never felt so alone in my life. I went there as a young wife with no friends and no family near me. I have always been very close to my family and this was a HUGE test for me to be so far away. Well me and Kevin were doing good for the first little while, we finally got pregnant after trying for 6 months. We were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, Kourtney Brooke', she was perfect in every possible way.
We brought her home and she was everything that a mother could dream of. She was not a baby that fussed a lot, only when she really needed something, which was never. She slept through the night at a week old. I would go in her room and wake her up just to make sure that she was ok. You know when you are a very young mother, I was 18, that there are so many fears. You learn as you get older that those fears are just fears and there are ways to prevent them from happening. She was beautiful, she had blue eyes, brown hair and was always smiling. Me and Kevin had never been happier.
Well the nightmare soon came true. I worked nights, so that I could be home with Kourtney during the day while Kevin was at work. Well one Saturday morning, I worked extremely late, came home at 4 am. It was Kevin's day to have to get up with Kourtney, so I decided to work late to make some extra money. Well I woke up a little after 11 am to find my daughter laying in the floor with a toy launched down her throat. It was the worst thing that any mother will see. I went and woke up Kevin, since he was a medic, he got the toy out and started CPR. I had already called 911, they were there extremely fast. I was thinking the entire time that this was a nightmare and that I was going to wake up any moment now. I kept going through movements thinking this. We went to the hospital waiting patiently as the doctors work on her and try to get her back for us to live our happy life with. I got sick, the sickest I have ever been. I knew something was wrong once I started getting sick. Not long after that the doctor came out to tell us that she was gone. My 5 month old baby girl was gone. I didn't know how to react. I told him that he was wrong, he needed to go back and work on her some more, that I know she is alive. He told me that they brought her back one time, but couldn't keep her stable. They worked on her 5 hours. I thought with how long they worked on her then she was going to be ok.
Then it was time to call my parents and tell them what had happened. They didn't believe me, I had to get Kevin to tell them again for them to believe me. Once they realized what had happened, they were in a state of shock. I was in Texas with my daughter dead and my family in Alabama. I didn't know what I was going to do. This was on a Saturday and we were not able to really do anything until Monday. We had to get through the weekend thinking about everything and dreading the trip back to Alabama to face everyone. I was so ready to come home and thinking that things would go away. I was wrong. We finally got everything arranged with the military for us to be able to leave and come home. We had to make arrangements for Kourtney to be flown to Alabama also. It was the longest flight that I have ever been on. It only took about 4-5 hours, but it seemed so much longer. Me and Kevin both tried to get some sleep but was not successful. We finally landed and our families were there waiting on us. I went straight to my dad and basically collapsed in his arms. As the week went on, it was like I was numb and couldn't feel anything.
We planned the funeral and went through with everything. So many people showed up at the funeral, most of the people I don't even remember talking to that night. I don't remember that much about any of it, other than the fact that I pulled up a chair next to Kourtney and sat there until they told us we had to leave. Once everything was over, I talked with Kevin and told him that I couldn't go back yet. He went back to El Paso without me and moved everything out of the apartment that we were living in. I told him that I could not go back to that apartment. So he done all of that before I would go back. Once I did finally go back, we looked for another apartment and tried to move on with our lives. That was nearly impossible. Nothing was ever the same again. The way I felt about him, the way that I looked at him, the way that I lived my life. I knew then that it was not going to work between me and him. I loved Kevin and a part of me still does, but I was not in love with him anymore. Every time I looked at him, I saw Kourtney and it made me angry to even look at him.
I then came back to my home, where I was meant to be. It took me and Kevin forever to get divorced but once we did, it was like a weight was lifted off of me. I never thought in my life that by the age of 19 that I would be divorced and had a child die. I learned a lot from those experiences that I had. I learned that life is something precious that is a gift to us, we should not take advantage of it. We should love our life and love the life that we live.
I started out this day reading about other peoples lives and was very interested in knowing how they got to where they are now. This is a part of my life to let you know why I am the way that I am. I have 2 beautiful girls now and they are my life. I live my life to make them happy. They get on my nerves sometimes, but that is just children in general. I know that kids will be kids and there are times that I just let a lot of things go with them because I want them to enjoy what life they have also. I hope that I did not bore anyone with my story or made anyone upset. That was not my purpose, my purpose was to let you know what I think about A LOT. There is not a day that goes by that Kourtney is not in my mind. Thinking of her reflects on what I do that day. Some days I am down about everything and then some days I am happy that I was able to meet her, even if it was just 5 months, that is 5 months that I will never forget. I will be probably posting more stories about Kourtney and what she meant to me. I hope that everyone looks at their children and lets them know how much they love them everyday, never miss a day!!!
I was married right out of high school to my high school sweetheart. We were together for 4 years before we got married, so we figured that it was meant to be. Little did we know, we were too young to make the decision and we were not meant to last. Me and my ex-husband, Kevin, moved to El Paso Texas in the middle of June because he was in the Army and that is where he was stationed. That place was awful. I have never felt so alone in my life. I went there as a young wife with no friends and no family near me. I have always been very close to my family and this was a HUGE test for me to be so far away. Well me and Kevin were doing good for the first little while, we finally got pregnant after trying for 6 months. We were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, Kourtney Brooke', she was perfect in every possible way.
We brought her home and she was everything that a mother could dream of. She was not a baby that fussed a lot, only when she really needed something, which was never. She slept through the night at a week old. I would go in her room and wake her up just to make sure that she was ok. You know when you are a very young mother, I was 18, that there are so many fears. You learn as you get older that those fears are just fears and there are ways to prevent them from happening. She was beautiful, she had blue eyes, brown hair and was always smiling. Me and Kevin had never been happier.
Well the nightmare soon came true. I worked nights, so that I could be home with Kourtney during the day while Kevin was at work. Well one Saturday morning, I worked extremely late, came home at 4 am. It was Kevin's day to have to get up with Kourtney, so I decided to work late to make some extra money. Well I woke up a little after 11 am to find my daughter laying in the floor with a toy launched down her throat. It was the worst thing that any mother will see. I went and woke up Kevin, since he was a medic, he got the toy out and started CPR. I had already called 911, they were there extremely fast. I was thinking the entire time that this was a nightmare and that I was going to wake up any moment now. I kept going through movements thinking this. We went to the hospital waiting patiently as the doctors work on her and try to get her back for us to live our happy life with. I got sick, the sickest I have ever been. I knew something was wrong once I started getting sick. Not long after that the doctor came out to tell us that she was gone. My 5 month old baby girl was gone. I didn't know how to react. I told him that he was wrong, he needed to go back and work on her some more, that I know she is alive. He told me that they brought her back one time, but couldn't keep her stable. They worked on her 5 hours. I thought with how long they worked on her then she was going to be ok.
Then it was time to call my parents and tell them what had happened. They didn't believe me, I had to get Kevin to tell them again for them to believe me. Once they realized what had happened, they were in a state of shock. I was in Texas with my daughter dead and my family in Alabama. I didn't know what I was going to do. This was on a Saturday and we were not able to really do anything until Monday. We had to get through the weekend thinking about everything and dreading the trip back to Alabama to face everyone. I was so ready to come home and thinking that things would go away. I was wrong. We finally got everything arranged with the military for us to be able to leave and come home. We had to make arrangements for Kourtney to be flown to Alabama also. It was the longest flight that I have ever been on. It only took about 4-5 hours, but it seemed so much longer. Me and Kevin both tried to get some sleep but was not successful. We finally landed and our families were there waiting on us. I went straight to my dad and basically collapsed in his arms. As the week went on, it was like I was numb and couldn't feel anything.
We planned the funeral and went through with everything. So many people showed up at the funeral, most of the people I don't even remember talking to that night. I don't remember that much about any of it, other than the fact that I pulled up a chair next to Kourtney and sat there until they told us we had to leave. Once everything was over, I talked with Kevin and told him that I couldn't go back yet. He went back to El Paso without me and moved everything out of the apartment that we were living in. I told him that I could not go back to that apartment. So he done all of that before I would go back. Once I did finally go back, we looked for another apartment and tried to move on with our lives. That was nearly impossible. Nothing was ever the same again. The way I felt about him, the way that I looked at him, the way that I lived my life. I knew then that it was not going to work between me and him. I loved Kevin and a part of me still does, but I was not in love with him anymore. Every time I looked at him, I saw Kourtney and it made me angry to even look at him.
I then came back to my home, where I was meant to be. It took me and Kevin forever to get divorced but once we did, it was like a weight was lifted off of me. I never thought in my life that by the age of 19 that I would be divorced and had a child die. I learned a lot from those experiences that I had. I learned that life is something precious that is a gift to us, we should not take advantage of it. We should love our life and love the life that we live.
I started out this day reading about other peoples lives and was very interested in knowing how they got to where they are now. This is a part of my life to let you know why I am the way that I am. I have 2 beautiful girls now and they are my life. I live my life to make them happy. They get on my nerves sometimes, but that is just children in general. I know that kids will be kids and there are times that I just let a lot of things go with them because I want them to enjoy what life they have also. I hope that I did not bore anyone with my story or made anyone upset. That was not my purpose, my purpose was to let you know what I think about A LOT. There is not a day that goes by that Kourtney is not in my mind. Thinking of her reflects on what I do that day. Some days I am down about everything and then some days I am happy that I was able to meet her, even if it was just 5 months, that is 5 months that I will never forget. I will be probably posting more stories about Kourtney and what she meant to me. I hope that everyone looks at their children and lets them know how much they love them everyday, never miss a day!!!
2 comments:
Jennifer, I love that you're blogging now, and don't you find it very therapeutic? I DO. I knew you went through all of this, but to see it from your point of view and as a young mother myself truly just makes me love you. I have so much admiration for you and for the woman and mother that you are today and I think it's good for you to talk about your beautiful little daughter; she'll always be a huge part of your life. Like you said, it's those things that make you who you are today. It puts the blessings we have here and now, today, into perspective. Thank you for that. I'm "following" your blog now and look forward to more of your wonderful posts! Much love!!!
Hi Jen.
I have often wanted to talk to you about Kourtney, I just didn't know how to bring it up, if you wanted to talk, etc. I remember when all of this happened. I was one of those people that came that night as you sat in a chair beside her. I remember thinking, "I don't know what I'd do if that was me." I admire you for blogging about her. I am sure that it helps to speak of your sweet baby girl. You know that she is in Heaven waiting on you. We don't know why God does what He does, but rest assured, there is a plan for everything. That may seem so hollow and stupid, but I do believe it. You are such a good mommy to Shelby and the little one (I forget her name) and I always think that it's because you know what it's like to lose a child. That is so unfair...we are too young to know things like that! Just know that Kourtney isn't forgotten. Many of us remember. And reading this post reminds me to include you in my prayers and to ask God to grant you peace. Love ya!
AMY:)
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